


When the Shadows Call

by Piplover



Category: The Eagle | The Eagle of the Ninth - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Gay Farmers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 08:30:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19353271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piplover/pseuds/Piplover
Summary: Marcus is happy with his life.  He truly is.  He loves the little plot of land he and Esca have made their own, with the small stream that trickles through and the trees that provide shade on the hottest summer days.  He loves their horses, their breeding stock which is starting to attract all the right notice, and the small garden he tends to on most days.He loves the small house, built with their own hands and those of freedmen, which is as much a marriage of British and Roman things as his and Esca’s friendship.  And he loves Esca.  Fiercely, passionately, he loves him with everything he has to offer.  And he knows Esca loves him just as much, his loyalty absolute and certain.But some days…Some days, when the cold seeps into his bones and he can’t get warm no matter how high the fire or how many furs and blankets he piles about himself, he feels the dark thoughts start to linger, casting a shadow over all he cares for.





	When the Shadows Call

**Author's Note:**

> This story deals with depression caused from a permanent injury. It's a little hand-wavy with how Marcus recovers, but I wanted Marcus to be well and loved, and so he is.

Marcus is happy with his life. He truly is. He loves the little plot of land he and Esca have made their own, with the small stream that trickles through and the trees that provide shade on the hottest summer days. He loves their horses, their breeding stock which is starting to attract all the right notice, and the small garden he tends to on most days. 

He loves the small house, built with their own hands and those of freedmen, which is as much a marriage of British and Roman things as his and Esca’s friendship. 

And he loves Esca. Fiercely, passionately, he loves him with everything he has to offer. And he knows Esca loves him just as much, his loyalty absolute and certain. 

But some days…

Some days, when the cold seeps into his bones and he can’t get warm no matter how high the fire or how many furs and blankets he piles about himself, he feels the dark thoughts start to linger, casting a shadow over all he cares for. 

When his leg aches and it is a triumph just to stand and use the piss-pot, or when Esca has to help him to the table so he can eat, and the day ahead looks impossible for anything that requires he actually stand or, Gods forbid, walk. 

He knows Esca does not judge, does not pity him. But on mornings like this, when Esca firmly tells him to stay in the house, with the snow-bright day blotted out by walls and doors and the smoke is heavy in the air, he finds himself resenting this life just a little. 

It is a slow poison, one that creeps into his blood and heart and tarnishes the laughter he shares, the food he eats, and even the love they make at night. It settles over him slowly, so slowly he does not always realize he has been infected by this darkness until he finds himself huddled on their bed with furs draped around his shoulders and his leg bound tight to try and contain the fiery heat that wants to consume him.

“Please,” Esca sighs, perhaps for the fourth or fifth time, as he runs a hand through his hair. “Just stay in today, Marcus. Your leg is angry, and there is snow in the air. I would rather tend the horses myself and get it done than worry about you _and _them.”__

__It is said kindly, but in the blunt British way that Esca has tried to temper for Marcus’ sake. Today, it seems, both of them are running low on patience._ _

__“I will stay here,” Marcus agrees, head bowed as he rearranges the furs for better warmth._ _

__“Thank you,” Esca says, fervent, and presses a kiss to his forehead._ _

__He does not linger, heading instead to their stable and the horses, eager to be out of the oppressive walls and to work. Marcus watches him leave and feels the self-pity begin to sink deep into his bones and knows he will be no kind of friend or lover today._ _

__He does what he can in the house, preparing the mid-day meal and supper, setting herbs aside to dry for Esca to make his horse liniment, and working on the never-ending mending._ _

__The shadows seems to wrap about him, a cloak that offers no warmth, and when Esca returns from running the horses and preparing them for the coming snow, his cheeks rosy from the cold and a smile at his lips, Marcus places the mask of happiness on his face and hopes his friend does not see through it._ _

__They are quite that night as they eat, and after, when Esca places a hand gently on his shoulder in invitation, he reluctantly shakes his head._ _

__“My leg pains me,” he says softly, a small piece of the truth that hides the larger one:_ _

___He cannot stand to be loved tonight, not when he does not care for himself at all in this moment._ _ _

____Esca hisses in a breath through his teeth and urges Marcus to the bed, where he retrieves the ointment and massages Marcus’ leg until the pain is only a dim ache, not the piercing agony it had been for most of the day. Then he curls his smaller body around Marcus’ back and holds him tight as he falls easily to sleep, worn by that day’s work._ _ _ _

____Marcus stares into the darkness for a long time, for though his spirit is weary, his body is not, and he feels only weak and pathetic._ _ _ _

____Tomorrow, he thinks, he will try to release the poison that has gathered in his soul._ _ _ _

____***_ _ _ _

____He wakes groggily in the morning when Esca eases out of the bed, blinking through puffy eyes as Esca places a brief kiss to his forehead and urges him back to sleep._ _ _ _

____Then he is left alone once more, feeling heavy and dull._ _ _ _

____Slowly he makes his way through his morning ablutions, ignoring the bread and cheese Esca left for him on the table, and dresses in his warmest braccae and tunic. He wraps his cloak about his shoulders and shudders as he opens the door, the cold fingers of a breeze ruffling his hair._ _ _ _

____He cannot see Esca from the house, which means Esca cannot see him, and for once he is happy that he does not know where his friend is. He makes his slow, lumbering way through the snow, thankful it has been churned up by the goats and geese so his footsteps will not be easily followed._ _ _ _

____Where he goes today, he wishes no one to follow him._ _ _ _

____He makes his way steadily down the slight slope behind their house, away from their garden and the stables and the life they have built. The trees grow thicker here, and soon the ground is easier to walk on, as the snow hangs overhead in the branches, and only small clumps have managed to find purchase in the undergrowth._ _ _ _

____He walks for a very long time, his leg screaming in agony as he pushes it, gritting his teeth as he marches, one foot slowly in front of the other, until the pain is all he knows._ _ _ _

____He welcomes its bite, embraces it as he makes his way steadily to the one place he knows Esca will not follow._ _ _ _

____The cave is small, barely a cave at all, recessed into the hill bordering their farm. Here he has carved an alter to Mithras, and on holy days he makes his way to pray and be closer to his God._ _ _ _

____Today he stumbles his way into the little cave, finally succumbing to the agony in his thigh and letting himself sink to the dry, frozen ground. A chill immediately crawls up his back, fingers of ice trying to work their way to his heart, but he pays it no mind._ _ _ _

____“Mithras, Lord of Light,” he begins, looking to the small alter across from him which is draped in shadow. “Help me to release this darkness which settles heavy on my heart. Help me to accept my limitations, my weakness, my… my loss.”_ _ _ _

____Suddenly it is all too much. The darkness which envelops his heart seems to grow rather than diminish, and the sob catches him off guard. The tears that prick his eyes feel hot as brands upon his cheeks when he lets them fall, and suddenly he can no longer contain all that is within him._ _ _ _

____Great heaving breaths choke him, clogging his throat and nose and leaving him keening like a wounded animal. His chest bellows as he tries to breath, only for more sobs to break free, and he finds himself curled upon himself, like a child trying to hide from the monsters in the dark._ _ _ _

____He is very far from Rome right now, from any Romans who might belittle his loss of control, or call attention to his shame. So he lets the sorrow wash over him, through him. He surrenders himself to it, until he can barely breathe and black spots dance before his eyes._ _ _ _

____He weeps and weeps until there is nothing left of him to give, until his breath crackles in his chest and he finds himself coughing with it, great heaving coughs that turn to vomiting, though there is little in his stomach to bring up._ _ _ _

____Finally, he lays silent, curled onto his side, cheek pressed against the rough wall of the cave, and for the first time in longer than he can remember the shadows hold no power over him._ _ _ _

____He lets himself breathe, taking in calming breaths that smell of dirt and dead leaves, and pushes himself slowly up, so his back is braced. He looks to the alter across from him, now bathed in the little light that can reach this nook, and finds his lips turning up._ _ _ _

____The darkness which seemed all encompassing before is gone, leaving a hollow emptiness that feels fragile and tender, like new skin over a recent wound. He feels bruised, but no longer as though he cannot imagine the next day, or the next._ _ _ _

____Slowly he pushes himself to his feet, his breath catching as his left leg protests, and grits his teeth as he prepares to make his way back. It is later than he thought, near noon, and he hopes Esca will pay his absence no mind, if he notices at all._ _ _ _

____The thought is not as bitter as it would have been this morning._ _ _ _

____Slowly, painfully, he makes his way out of the cave, his leg weak and threatening to buckle with each step, and traces his steps back up the hill, breath rasping in his chest as he struggles against the pain._ _ _ _

____A twig snaps to his right and he startles, reaching automatically for a weapon he is not wearing, and his leg finally has had enough and gives way beneath him._ _ _ _

____He cries out as he goes down, knees hitting the hard earth with a bone rattling jar, and his hands scramble over rough rock as he tries to catch himself._ _ _ _

____“Marcus?”_ _ _ _

____Esca’s worried voice floats to him, followed shortly by the man himself, his face frantic as he scrambles down the hill in an ungraceful skid that brings him to Marcus’ side._ _ _ _

____“By the Gods, what are you doing out here?” Esca demands._ _ _ _

____Worry makes his voice harsh, but his hands are tender as he eases Marcus to a sitting position. Whatever he sees in Marcus’ face makes his own crumple, and Marcus is enveloped in strong, warm arms._ _ _ _

____“Oh, my Marcus,” Esca sighs, his breath shaking as he lets it out in a heavy gust that ruffles Marcus’ hair. “Come, let’s get you home.”_ _ _ _

____Home. The word once again enfolds Marcus in warmth, calling to him until he is trembling with it._ _ _ _

____Esca helps him to his knees, then his feet, sliding easily under his arm and taking most of his weight as they set out back up the hill, steps slow and shuffling while Marcus breaths deep and clenches his teeth._ _ _ _

____He is reminded of their flight from the Seal People, how his very life had felt tethered to his flesh by the barest of threads, fear and adrenaline and Esca the only things keeping him going._ _ _ _

____Now the call of their hearth beckons, his body longing for their bed and the warmth of their furs. He does not realize he is trembling until Esca slides his hand more securely around his waist and casts him a worried look, his eyes deeply troubled and a frown pulling his lips into a stern scowl._ _ _ _

____It takes them some time to reach their house, by which point Marcus is covered in a cold sweat and Esca is puffing for breath. Their little home has never looked more inviting._ _ _ _

____They don’t speak as Esca steers them inside, and it is only after he has helped Marcus to sit on the little stool by the fire that Marcus notices Esca had brought his bow and quiver with him, as though expecting trouble._ _ _ _

____They remain silent as Esca gently undresses him, rubbing warmth back into his limbs as he does so, then takes a wet cloth dipped in the water they leave by the fire and wipes Marcus down, washing away the sweat and the last traces of tears and sickness that linger on his face._ _ _ _

____Marcus is no longer trembling from the cold, but his limbs still shake with exhaustion. He allows Esca to help him to their bed and does not fight when the covers are pulled up to his chin and a gentle kiss placed on his cheek, then his forehead, then his lips._ _ _ _

____“I’m going to finish tending the horses. I won’t be long, love. Rest.”_ _ _ _

____Marcus closes his eyes and lets the darkness envelop him. This time, he is not afraid of it._ _ _ _

____***  
He wakes to the soft sounds of Esca making their dinner, the quiet snick of his knife as he chops their winter stored vegetables and dried meat. He stops, as though sensing Marcus’ eyes on him, and turns to cast an appraising glance his way. _ _ _ _

____“You look better,” he finally says, turning back to his work._ _ _ _

____“I feel better,” Marcus agrees, and sits up gingerly._ _ _ _

____His body feels bruised and aches as though he is fevered, but when he brushes his hand through his hair, he does not think he is overly warm. He thinks he has done this subtly enough until Esca moves to his side and presses a kiss to his forehead._ _ _ _

____“No fever, thank Lugh,” he murmurs. He stands back and eyes Marcus critically, as he would one of their horses. “You are not so grey, now. Do you think you can eat a bit?”_ _ _ _

____“Yes,” Marcus agrees, moving to stand, but Esca’s hand on his chest stops him._ _ _ _

____“You overtaxed your leg greatly. I don’t think you should try to use it for a few days.” His face is only concerned as he says this, neither condemnation nor judgment in his eyes, and Marcus shifts uncomfortably._ _ _ _

____“I think I will be all right to move to the table,” he finally offers, hesitantly. “I can help make dinner, if you’ll let me.”_ _ _ _

____Esca seems to weigh the offer before nodding, once, and then offering Marcus his hand to help him stand. His leg twinges with a sharp pain before it settles, and he nods at Esca’s questioning glance before making his slow way to the table._ _ _ _

____He sits and chops the rest of the vegetables, then grinds the ingredients to make the smooth paste that goes over their bread. The two work in companionable silence until the meal is ready, then Esca sets a bowl in front of him filled nearly to the brim with the thick soup and a large chunk of bread._ _ _ _

____“I know you were sick earlier. Try to eat as much as you can,” he encourages, setting on his own meal like a man starved._ _ _ _

____Marcus flushes but does as instructed and finds his belly greedy for the food. They eat in silence, but it is companionable and does not weigh on him as it would have this morning. Esca nudges his foot gently under the table and he smiles over at him, nudging him back._ _ _ _

____After, they wash the bowls, and then Esca helps him back to their bed._ _ _ _

____Marcus thinks he will find sleep as elusive as the night before, but as soon as he settles on the bed, the furs and blankets pulled up over his chest, he is drifting off, the darkness beckoning him with open arms._ _ _ _

____He does not stir when Esca joins him shortly after._ _ _ _

____***_ _ _ _

____He sleeps the entire night through, troubled neither by his dreams nor his leg. It is a healing sleep, deep and restorative, and when he wakes the next morning, he feels better than he has in some time._ _ _ _

____Truly, the poison which had leached into his soul had gone deeper than he had thought._ _ _ _

____He moves slowly out of the bed, hoping to let Esca sleep a bit longer, and makes his way to the piss-pot to do his business. When he finishes, he turns and sees Esca still fast asleep, curled into the warm spot he had recently occupied, and finds himself smiling fondly at the sight._ _ _ _

____There is no light filtering in around the door, so he thinks he has some time before Esca will wake. He moves as silently as he can to the small alter he had carved and made a home for in the farthest corner of the room, and lights a stick of incense before he gingerly eases himself to his knees._ _ _ _

____He pauses a moment, gathering his thoughts, letting the smoke drift over him and fill his senses._ _ _ _

____“Mithras, Lord of Light,” he prays silently, mouthing the words rather than giving them sound. “Thank you for lancing the poison from my soul, for expelling it from my body, for helping me find my way back to the light. Thank you for banishing the shadows, for bringing Esca to my side and having him guide me back home. Thank you for hearing my prayers.”_ _ _ _

____He repeats the prayer, over and over, until his leg begins to tremble with the strain of being on his knees. He stands with the help of Esca’s chair, which is closest, and turns toward the hearth to determine what is available for breakfast._ _ _ _

____Esca is sitting at the table, watching him with gentle eyes, smile at his lips._ _ _ _

____Marcus smiles back, and the two of them break their fast with light conversation and plans for the day._ _ _ _

____Esca seems almost hesitant when he stands, slowly pulling his cloak over his shoulders._ _ _ _

____“Go, see to the horses,” Marcus urges, smiling. “I promise I won’t stray from the house today.”_ _ _ _

____Some of the tension eases out of Esca’s shoulders and he nods, kissing Marcus deeply before heading out, casting one last look over his shoulder before he closes the door with a decisive click._ _ _ _

____Marcus sets about doing what he can, cleaning the ashes from the hearth and laying fresh wood, sweeping out the detritus that always accumulates by their door no matter how careful they are, and then heading out into the cold winter air to retrieve one of their chickens for a special dinner._ _ _ _

____They do not have so many they can spare that roast chicken is a common occurrence, but one of their hens had been limping badly and it was a kindness to end her suffering. There will be more chicks in the spring, of that he is certain._ _ _ _

____He spends a good portion of the morning plucking feathers, setting them aside for Esca’s arrows and for padding in their mattress. He rubs butter and herbs into the skin of the bird and then sets it to cook on the spit over the hearth._ _ _ _

____Next, he rests for a bit, his leg sending warning jolts through his entire body, but soon enough he is restless and sets about making bread._ _ _ _

____He goes about his tasks slowly, moving as though he is newly injured again, though his leg is as healthy as it can be, and finds he is content to do these things, whereas before such simple chores had felt demeaning and small._ _ _ _

____When Esca returns from his own chores, hair a wild tangle from the wind and cheeks almost burned with the cold, he smiles in pure delight at the meal already prepared and Marcus building up the fire so that warmth and light fills the small room._ _ _ _

____Esca says nothing as he removes his cloak and looks about their home, taking in the cleaned floor and the new basket of feathers for his fletching, and his smile widens as he makes his way to Marcus’ side and pulls him down into a deep, demanding kiss._ _ _ _

____“You have been busy,” he finally says when he releases Marcus from his hold. “I am glad.”_ _ _ _

____Marcus smiles down at him, kisses him once more, and then leads him to the table._ _ _ _

____They both can’t seem to stop smiling as they eat, the air between them charged with more than good humor, and their feet constantly nudge each other under the table._ _ _ _

____Once they finish and have cleaned the dishes, Esca sets about giving himself as thorough a bath as he can with just the bucket and rag, and Marcus follows his example as Esca burrows under the furs on the bed._ _ _ _

____Although it is early, neither has a mind to doing more chores._ _ _ _

____When Marcus crawls into the bed, his body chilled from the water and cold air, Esca drapes himself over him, kissing him deeply as he winds fingers through Marcus’ hair._ _ _ _

____It has been some time since they loved each other, and they take their time exploring each other anew. Esca trails kisses down Marcus’ body tenderly, worshiping him with tongue and lips and teeth, and then takes Marcus swollen member into his mouth._ _ _ _

____He does not linger, the tension between them too intense for teasing, and soon Marcus is opening him up with oil and eager fingers. When Esca sinks down on him, they both groan, eyes closed in bliss as they move._ _ _ _

____Marcus rests his hands on Esca’s waist, setting the pace as he moves within him, keeping their eyes locked. Esca’s face is lax in his ecstasy, his hands continually moving on Marcus’ body, over his shoulders, up to his hair, and then settling back on his shoulders._ _ _ _

____They grip each other tight as they near completion, and when Marcus spends his seed, Esca bends down to kiss him deeply before chasing his own release, moving intensely as Marcus takes his member in hand and strokes him until he spends as well._ _ _ _

____Esca removes himself first, hissing as he slides off Marcus’ body and making his way to the water bucket to get wet rags to clean them off. His hands are gentle as he wipes Marcus down, and then himself, his movements swift despite his tenderness, and soon they are wrapped around each other again as their breathing calms._ _ _ _

____Marcus wraps his arms around Esca’s smaller frame, breathing deeply of his hair and his scent._ _ _ _

____“Will you tell me?” Esca asks sleepily, his head resting on Marcus’ chest._ _ _ _

____“I will try,” Marcus agrees, and pauses to gather his thoughts, to put to words the darkness and despair that had haunted him._ _ _ _

____“Sometimes, even when the world is at its brightest and everything is going well, a darkness will steal into my soul. I don’t always recognize it when it happens, until it is deep within me. This time, I had not recognized it until I felt as though all happiness had been taken from me, as though my life was…” Marcus pauses, trying to articulate what he had felt. “I feel as though I am nothing, a small grain of sand on a giant beach, about to be washed out to sea with no one to care.”_ _ _ _

____Esca raises his head, eyes hard in protest, but Marcus silences any objection with a kiss and a small smile before he continues._ _ _ _

____“I realized last morning that – that I could not continue as I was, and so I went to speak with my God, to ask for his help.”_ _ _ _

____“And you are better today,” Esca agrees, placing a hand over Marcus’ heart. “I feared for you, yesterday. When I came in for the noon-day meal you weren’t to be seen, and I found your footsteps leading to the forest. I –“ Esca pauses, then places his head back on Marcus chest, closing his eyes. “I followed your tracks and feared that you were not in your right mind. I worried.”_ _ _ _

____“I am sorry,” Marcus whispers, and holds Esca closer, placing another kiss to his hair. “I do not think you are entirely wrong – my mind was not where it should be, and dark thoughts weighed heavily on me. Mithras helped me purge the poison from my soul.”_ _ _ _

____“You were sick,” Esca ventures, treading lightly in matters of Gods that are not his. He has heard of Roman customs such as this and finds them unthinkable and odd._ _ _ _

____“I wept until my stomach cramped and I could not breath,” Marcus explains softly. “I feared I would pass out from it, but in the end, Mithras took care of me and led me back to you.”_ _ _ _

____“I am glad.”_ _ _ _

____They are silent after that, exchanging lazy kisses that taper off into hard won slumber, and they sleep until the cock crows in the new day._ _ _ _

____***_ _ _ _

____Esca keeps a wary gaze on Marcus over the following weeks, only seeming to relax when there is no return of the dark thoughts and lethargy which had plagued him before his trip to the cave._ _ _ _

____Marcus tries to assure him as best he can, through both his actions and his words. He remains housebound the first few days after his trek, letting his leg rest and his spirit mend. When he begins to feel fully himself again, he sets out to help with more around the farm, doing the small tasks that his body is capable of handling and that won’t drive Esca to ranting fits._ _ _ _

____The winter slowly thaws, and with the spring comes new life. Marcus continues to guard against the shadows which try to reach into his soul, but now Esca keeps watch as well, and he knows that with his love by his side, he won’t be taken so unassuming again._ _ _ _

____He is happy, truly happy, once more._ _ _ _


End file.
